uneasy hearts weigh the most

apparently, this is a title of a song by dance gavin dance. i've never heard of it, but i have been feeling a bit uneasy lately & i have no clue why! i can't figure out what's making me feel like this because i'm not sad or upset about anything in my life right now. school's school, but i'm doing well so nothing wrong there. friends are great. boy is great. fam bam is great. so where in the world is this feeling coming from?!

perhaps the only thing i can narrow it down to is a list of unfinished things to do/all the things i want to do. so maybe it's the feeling of being overwhelmed in disguise. actually, now that i'm thinking about it, i think it's partly that and partly my reminiscing about my past.

coming home this weekend & cleaning out all my old stuff from when i was a child made me realize how much i took advantage of everything. i mean, as a kid, how are you supposed to know what to appreciate & what not to? but for some reason, this hits me lightweight hard. i think it's because i mostly feel...i guess guilty about it? it doesn't really make sense when i put it in words, but i'll try to break it down for you:

basically, as a kid, i was given a lot from my parents. i won't deny it, i was spoiled in that matter. but i know i wasn't a brat about it. however, i still feel that i could have appreciated everything my parents did for me a lot more. they provided me with every opportunity to explore my interests more and highly encouraged it. what i feel bad about, though, is the fact that my interests jumped from one thing to the next. thus, each time i found a new interest, they provided me with the resources to pursue it. i never realized at the time, though, the amount of money and effort they put in it to provide me with all that i had. i hits me now because as i spend time with them (which is a new recent development - it wasn't always like that, but that's to be explained another time), i see them growing older and not being able to enjoy or do as much. so yeah, i feel bad because i feel like all that time, money & effort they used to make sure i had everything i wanted could have been used to let them enjoy something and invest in something that they wanted. i mean, sure, that shows that they cared about me and wanted to provide me with the best. but what did i do for them in return? growing up (well more like when i was a teenager), i didn't give them what they deserved. i didn't try my hardest in school, i didn't want to do what they asked, i didn't care about what was better for my future. all i cared about was, as my mom puts it, being a social butterfly. and where has that gotten me? i barely talk to any of those people anymore. i mean, i wasn't rebellious or anything, but i could have been better.

i guess what it comes down to is that maybe it just shocks me that i didn't really care all too much. and i regret it. i'm not one of those people that "never regrets anything" because i do and i don't think that's bad. i regret it because i know that how i was then was never the person i intended to be. i wanted to enjoy what i had and instead, i only cared about myself and my "friends". but they're not even here with me to this day, so it wasn't even worth it. my parents sent me to holland to play volleyball. first time out of the country & i didn't enjoy it half as much as i should have. i didn't take the whole experience in. why? because of a boy. i never wanted to be that girl, but i was. luckily enough, i'm not that girl anymore, but that doesn't change how i was and i find myself thinking about my past a lot. it makes me sad, really. sad that that was who i was, sad that it already happened & i can't do anything about it, and sad that i look at my past and i feel somewhat sad about it. i had fun, don't get me wrong. it's just sad now looking at the person i used to be & how much that affected my actions.

SO, obviously i am still growing & making changes about myself. but more specifically, i am trying to move on from that stage in my life. part of that progression forward is me actually realizing and admitting it. i don't know exactly what i just wrote, but it was definitely the first time all that has been put in words. and now my uneasiness is almost settled because i know what i want to do & how i want to be from now on. i don't know if i just blew everything out of proportion or if it is as serious as i think, but i know i owe it to myself and my parents to be a better person, so i will! :) congratulations if you actually read all this lol. i'm not even sure if it makes any sense, but now you know a little more about me! i had no idea this post would go in this direction, but suuuuuuuprise! who knew blogging could be so therapeutic? lol. :P